Aronofsky says that paranoia is seeing layers of meaning in chaos. If this is the case, then I am an extremely paranoid person. I like seeing some meaning in the chaos. Without deeper meaning, there is no mystery. There is no God. Patrick says he doesn’t know why people search for a deeper meaning. “Life is deep enough,” he says. I suppose. But, isn’t it our ability to think about God that makes us human…that separates us from the beasts and the…well…fish? But how do we know that other animals don’t think about God? I’d like to think that my cat, Miss Sophie, thought about God right before she died alone and scared.
Last night I dreamed of circular rainbows…four circular rainbows. And I kept saying “have you ever seen anything like that?”
Sent the first batch of emails to people in Tokyo asking for money. Or, actually, it was a “do you know anyone who knows anyone with money?”
Watched “Hoop Dreams” and “The War Room” last night…two very different documentaries, but good to see.
Trying hard to live on £10 per day. That’s really f*&%ing hard in London.
I was thinking about the generation after mine–Patrick’s generation…the MTV generation. It’s such a visually-driven generation. Growing up on MTV, having video cameras and being computer literate from the age of 10. And so sad and disillusioned at such an early age. It makes for good artists, I suppose, but it’s a generation without hope. If they don’t make it by the time they’re 25, they feel like they are failures. And what of my generation? What are we doing now?..we are the slackers…generation X. we slacked off all during our 20s. Now we’re spending our 30s competing with Patrick’s generation. Oh, it’s all confused in my head. Everything is confused in my head. Trying to make some order out of the chaos gives me a headache. Maybe if I could just start by making sense out of small pieces. But everything is connected to everything else, and when you try to make sense out of some small part of it, it leads to something bigger and more confusing. I just have to try.
I went to the Embassy to get a new passport. They have to send off to the States for it. New rules in a post 9/11 world. It cost me £50. I nearly pee-ed myself.
