This is why it takes so long for you musicians to get your royalty checks:

I can’t tell you how fed up I am over EFFING clearances. I am cursing and kicking things and I can feel that tightness inside of my chest. Frustration is banging around in my brain, and the deep breathing is not effing helping.

Here’s just one example:

• Mid November: I make an application to MCPS for the rights to “Tevye’s Dream” (in one of the scenes Kanya is at play practice for a production of “Fiddler on the Roof” with the Tokyo International Players).
• Two days later: I get a message back from MCPS. “Boy, they are quick,” I think. “This is gonna be a snap!” They say I need to contact THE RECORD COMPANY directly. They kindly give me the number.

• The next day: I call THE RECORD COMPANY. They give me the name of THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS, however, THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS is on holiday for a week. “Can I have her email?” “Yes.” So I email her and wait.

• Seven days later: The email bounces back with a bunch of computer speak and this human speak: “Despite repeated attempts, this message could not be delivered.”
• The next day: I call to check that the email I’ve taken down is correct. It is. I ask to speak with THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS as, by this point, she is back from holiday (I hope she went somewhere sunny). I explain myself to her. She says to put everything I have just explained in an email, which I do and send to her again.
• Seven days later: The email bounces back with much the same message as above. I call, but by this time, everyone is on their Christmas break.
• Early January: I call THE RECORD COMPANY again. THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS is out of the office sick. I’m begging the receptionist to help me. She gives me the contact number of THE SECOND IN COMMAND to THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS. She is even kind enough to transfer me to him. Alas, he’s not at his desk, so I leave a voice mail.
• Throughout the Month of January: I call, leaving several messages for THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS and THE SECOND IN COMMAND to THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS. No one calls me back. I have noticed (through Facebook’s friend finder) that THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS is on Facebook, and I entertain the thought of contacting her via the network. But, this somehow seems like an invasion of privacy, and I talk myself out of it.
• February: Frustrated, I go onto THE RECORD COMPANY’s website and use their contact form to make my inquiry. The next day, I get an email from THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEARING RIGHTS saying that THE RECORD COMPANY does not own the rights to this song. She doesn’t know what I’m on about. I ring her just to make sure. “Nope, we don’t own it. I’ve just checked the database. It’s not there.” I want to scream down the phone at her. Why couldn’t she have checked the effing database when I called back in December if it was that easy to do? Time doesn’t grow on effing trees, you know.
• One week ago: I write MCPS again explaining all of the above. They have not written me back.
• Today: I use the email form on the MCPS website to explain above. Heck, if it worked for THE RECORD COMPANY, maybe it will work for MCPS.

I mean, I have tried…I have really tried to do this properly. But, what else can I do? Jerry Bock wrote the music and Sheldon Harnick wrote the lyrics for “Fiddler on the Roof.” If any of you know either one of these fellas, please email me and put me out of my misery.

And here’s my lesson: it’s really time to work with a production company because this SUCKS and I SUCK AT IT.